part deux

You can't always be pushing people away. One day, nobody'll come back.

The end..

In less than a week, I will have officially completed my first year of college. :) I still have about 12 or so pages to write: a global public health and foreign policy paper. French final tomorrow morning, and done.

Looking back on the past eight months, I can't believe how much has happened and how I've grown and changed as a person. I learned so much about myself being on my own, and I don't think I'd ever go back to living at home. I met some fantastic people here at AU who I hope to be lifelong friends with, most notably Eric, whose become one of my most treasured friends. Love ya Erk!

 

I came here thinking I knew what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be, and months later that view has changed. I was scared and unsure about what I was getting myself into, but now I feel confident that I have a good direction now. I remember being terrified before moving here - worried about fitting in, being on my own, taking on college work, finding a boyfriend (yes, I actually worried about this), and who knows what else. My partying habits were definitely a little out of hand in the beginning of the year, but I think I got that under control...for the most part.

 

I've learned that sharing a room isn't so bad, and neither is sharing a bathroom with 15 other girls. Tacking on the name "dining hall" does NOT increase the quality of cafeteria/prison food. It IS possible to avoid the Freshman 15. Foreign affairs ain't really for me. Not every college party is going to be a scene straight outta Animal House, but they come pretty close. Creeps are even more abundant on a college campus. It's a miracle if a male dorm room does not have an odor and the floor is visible. Having a castle on campus is amazing, especially when you want to drop things from the 3rd floor balcony. And leaving a sock/scarf/post-it on the door is usually a good idea. 

HUMPDAY!

A lot of exciting things happened the past week: I (finally) got my learner's permit on Saturday. My mom expects me to have my license within a month so I guess I'm set?
I chose all of my courses for next semester, but I can't make the official switch to Interior Design until I have an art portfolio review, which will most likely be at the end of the Fall semester. I'm so very excited for this change :)
Lastly, I GOT AN APARTMENT! We picked out exactly which one we want and finalized everything last night. I will be sharing it, obviously, but I'll have more than a little box to live in next year. Again, very excited :) Mostly to be able to decorate and buy things...

Anyway, today I wrote a little something during my French class that I figured I'd post. It kind of just came to me and I wrote hastily, so I haven't edited or anything.


Time feels like nothing to me. It does not move swiftly or slowly. It stands still, motionless. I check the clock, thirty minutes have passed but I have no idea where they have gone. I feel nothing. I want to stand up from this chair and run from this plain room, far far away from the thoughts that have enslaved me. I cannot comprehend the words being spoken, they merely float in the air around me like snowflakes. They wisp around but do not touch me; they do not make their way to my ears. I want to scream out of frustration but my jaw seems to be glued shut. My mind will not stop racing. It recounts every word, every promise, every lie. I tear each of them apart, dissecting it for some deeper hidden meaning but find nothing. I am only thinking in circles.

I have wasted thousands of kisses on you... kisses that I thought were special because of your lips and your smile and all your color and life. I used to think that was the real you, when you smiled. But now I know you didn't mean any of it. You just save it all for your songs. Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tight.

Submerged

My chest tightens,

 a sure sign of my anxiety manifesting itself once more.

The familiar thoughts begin to infiltrate every corner of my brain like flood water

There is no escape from them; no escape for myself.

It’s ALL  your fault, you know.     

the cold waves crash upon my feet;

If only you had tried a little harder…been a little better.           

knee-deep in it now;

You should have trusted your instincts. Why didn’t you listen?

water choking me;

You’re alone and it’s all on you. How could you be so naïve? Why would you…?      

the current throws me around

Cry, scream, flail, there is no way out. You’re stuck here - drowning and fighting and screaming.

Alone.

You FAILURE.

And I float away.

With Spring comes change.

I'm not doing International Studies anymore. I'm switching to Interior Design for next year. I need something more creative. I feel like I am wasting away. I don't care about foreign policy, or politics or any of that. I can't find interest in my classes anymore. I want to design, draw and create.

Here goes the first post...poppin' my blog cherry

Hey guys! So a friend of mine has been suggesting I create a blog of my own, and while bored last night I finally caved. Speaking of last night...one of my very dear friends Eric accompanied me to the emergency room!

Lookin' sexy in my hospital gown...what up.

 I won't go into great deatil about my reasons for going, but I will tell you we were able to entertain ourselves for the three hours we were there. We're pretty sure the doctor thought Eric was my boyfriend, which was funny as he's checking out all the hot male doctors. I got wheeled around the triage center in a gurney for the first time which was quite exciting. Luckily, I am okay and they found no major problems.

So to finish up my first post, I'll say a bit about myself. I'm eighteen years old and freshman in college. My major is [currently] International Studies, but lately I've been contemplating a lot over whether I want to keep that or not. I grew up in Northeast Philly, attended a Catholic school and moved out into the suburbs upon entering public high school. I began dancing [ballet, tap, jazz; what have you] when I was just learning to walk. It's been an escape for me and allows me to forget the world around me; what I can't say with words I can say with every movement of my body. I also started riding horses at a young age and rode competitively for a while. I love to write, although I've never shared with anyone, I hope to post my writings here. I'm very passionate about life and want to take advantage of all it has to offer. Traveling is something I live for, my appetite for discovering and learning seems to be insatiable. I love being obnoxious and tend to start dancing like an idiot whenever the mood strikes. I have a wonderful boyfriend named Ryan who goes along with my crazy antics :) I guess the rest you'll just have to find out as I share my life on here.

A