HUMPDAY!

A lot of exciting things happened the past week: I (finally) got my learner's permit on Saturday. My mom expects me to have my license within a month so I guess I'm set?
I chose all of my courses for next semester, but I can't make the official switch to Interior Design until I have an art portfolio review, which will most likely be at the end of the Fall semester. I'm so very excited for this change :)
Lastly, I GOT AN APARTMENT! We picked out exactly which one we want and finalized everything last night. I will be sharing it, obviously, but I'll have more than a little box to live in next year. Again, very excited :) Mostly to be able to decorate and buy things...

Anyway, today I wrote a little something during my French class that I figured I'd post. It kind of just came to me and I wrote hastily, so I haven't edited or anything.


Time feels like nothing to me. It does not move swiftly or slowly. It stands still, motionless. I check the clock, thirty minutes have passed but I have no idea where they have gone. I feel nothing. I want to stand up from this chair and run from this plain room, far far away from the thoughts that have enslaved me. I cannot comprehend the words being spoken, they merely float in the air around me like snowflakes. They wisp around but do not touch me; they do not make their way to my ears. I want to scream out of frustration but my jaw seems to be glued shut. My mind will not stop racing. It recounts every word, every promise, every lie. I tear each of them apart, dissecting it for some deeper hidden meaning but find nothing. I am only thinking in circles.

I have wasted thousands of kisses on you... kisses that I thought were special because of your lips and your smile and all your color and life. I used to think that was the real you, when you smiled. But now I know you didn't mean any of it. You just save it all for your songs. Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tight.

Submerged

My chest tightens,

 a sure sign of my anxiety manifesting itself once more.

The familiar thoughts begin to infiltrate every corner of my brain like flood water

There is no escape from them; no escape for myself.

It’s ALL  your fault, you know.     

the cold waves crash upon my feet;

If only you had tried a little harder…been a little better.           

knee-deep in it now;

You should have trusted your instincts. Why didn’t you listen?

water choking me;

You’re alone and it’s all on you. How could you be so naïve? Why would you…?      

the current throws me around

Cry, scream, flail, there is no way out. You’re stuck here - drowning and fighting and screaming.

Alone.

You FAILURE.

And I float away.

With Spring comes change.

I'm not doing International Studies anymore. I'm switching to Interior Design for next year. I need something more creative. I feel like I am wasting away. I don't care about foreign policy, or politics or any of that. I can't find interest in my classes anymore. I want to design, draw and create.